How to Talk to Someone You Love About Their Drinking
You’ve been watching. Noticing. Worrying quietly for weeks, maybe months. You’ve told yourself it’s probably nothing. You’ve told yourself it’s not your place. You’ve rehearsed conversations in your head and then let the moment pass.
If someone you love is drinking in a way that concerns you, the silence around it can feel almost unbearable. And yet speaking up feels terrifying — because the stakes are high, and because you genuinely don’t know what words to use.
Here is what I’ve learned from over twenty years of working with people and their families: the conversation is almost always worth having. And having it well — with the right approach — can genuinely change the course of someone’s life.
Choose the moment carefully
Timing matters enormously. Don’t have this conversation when they’ve been drinking, when either of you is angry, or in front of other people. Choose a calm, private moment when they are sober and you are not in the middle of a row.
You are not looking for a confrontation. You are opening a door.
Lead with love, not accusation
The instinct when we’re frightened or frustrated is often to come in hard — with facts, ultimatums, or a list of everything that’s gone wrong. This rarely works. It triggers shame and defensiveness, which closes people down rather than opening them up.
Instead, start with what you feel, and why you’re saying it. Something like:
“I’ve been worried about you, and I care about you too much to say nothing.”
That is a very different opening to “you have a problem.” It expresses the same concern without putting them immediately on the defensive.
Be specific, not general
Vague concerns are easy to dismiss. Specific observations are harder to argue with. Rather than “you drink too much,” try describing what you’ve actually noticed:
- “I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking every evening this week.”
- “I’ve noticed you seem different after you’ve had a drink — and it’s affecting us.”
- “I’ve noticed you seem to need a drink before certain situations.”
You are describing behaviour, not diagnosing a person. That distinction matters.
Don’t expect one conversation to fix everything
This is rarely a single conversation. The person you love may become defensive, deny it, minimise it, or change the subject. That is normal. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed, and it doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you.
Plant the seed and let it sit. Sometimes it takes weeks or months before what you said finds its way in. Your job is not to force change — it’s to make clear that you see what’s happening, that you love them, and that help is available.
Look after yourself too
Living alongside someone with a drinking problem takes a real toll. Your own wellbeing matters in this. I work with families and loved ones as well as with the people who are drinking — because the effects ripple outward, and you deserve support too.
Not sure where to start?
If you’re worried about someone’s drinking and would like to talk it through, I offer a free 15-minute introductory call — for the person with the problem, or for the people who love them. Book at talktoseamus.co.uk/seamus-macauley-addiction-specialist-appointments or email
